A Mythical Place
by therpist
Summary: South Park is just like any other town, really! Yeah, there's demons and faeries and vampires and nymphs and elves and animal-people, but what town doesn't have that? It's all just the norm.


**A/N**: Hey guys! This chapter is basically just a rewrite of the episode The Ungroundable, but in paragraph form and with a few things added to introduce the AU. I will be making a list of the various creatures in South Park and there will be original content coming right up, so don't expect a lot of episode rewrites. (Though if someone were to request one, I'd gladly do it, too.) Enjoy!

* * *

><p>"Oh man, you've gotta be kidding me. Goddamn Japs are everywhere," Cartman muttered, focusing intently on his computer screen just like every other person in the classroom, all of them ignoring Mr. Mackey's attempts to teach them mathematics. He may have been a demon, but he was almost as low in the demon hierarchy as Mr. Garrison, so they weren't too threatened by him. He was pretty mild-mannered for a demon anyway.<p>

"Are you on America's side, Stan?" asked Kyle without glancing away from his screen.

"No, I'm on the Japanese side," Stan replied.

"Oh, who just shot me?" Cartman complained loudly. Bebe leaned back in her chair and raised a clawed finger to give him the bird before tucking some of her dyed blonde hair behind her small horns.

No one shifted their attention even as Mr. Mackey started having trouble using his own computer. He muttered something about coming right back and exited the room just before Butters ran in, looking panicked.

"Stan!" The blond boy ran up to his friend and clenched his fists. "Oh my God! Stan, we have a huge problem! There's vampires in the school!" Stan looked kind of confused and made a noncommittal sound of questioning. "Vampires, Stan! I saw them!"

"Aw, dude, who's using the flak jacket cheat?" Stan complained loudly, looking annoyed.

"Not a cheat if you rank up," Red replied with a haughty flick of her vixen tail in Stan's direction. Butters sighed and ran up to Kenny instead.

"Kenny, there's a vampire on the loose! Lynn Kitty Gelsha was hanging out with him, and now she's a vampire too!"

"Butters, there's no such thing as vampires," Kyle grumbled, getting increasingly annoyed by the human by the minute.

"But there is," Butters insisted, getting closer to his elven friend. "You guys gotta believe me. First there was just a couple, but now it's like they're growing. They have fangs and drink blood and everything."

"Alright, Butters." Cartman sighed and thought of a way to get rid of the blond boy. "Will you go document the vampires' movements so we know what their intentions are?"

"You think that's best?"

"Yeah, sure, get going, Butters. We're all counting on you."

"Okay!" Butters ran toward the classroom door, then paused. "If I don't make it back… Tell my mom what happened to me." With those last words, he exited the room in what he probably thought was a noble fashion.

"Oh-ho! Pwn'd, Bebe, you Jap bitch!" Cartman suddenly exclaimed.

* * *

><p>"Isn't this cool?" The lead vampire gestured to the gym, his fangs giving him a strong lisp. "This time of day nobody's in the gym. We should make this one of our official South Park Vampires Club hangouts."<p>

"That's an awesome new coat, Mike. Totally badass," a younger vampire said, smiling at his friend.

"Don't call me Mike. My name is Vampir now," Mike replied with a huff.

"I'm gonna change my name to Vladimir," said another vampire, flipping his purple bangs out of his face.

"You can't, that's too close to Vampir." The other boy nodded, watching the teen check out his polished nails.

Butters slowly peeked over the end of the bleachers, staring at the small group of… Well, most of them seemed to be human. The one that wanted to be called Vladimir was a naga, his tail coiled underneath him. Usually nagas are avoided at all costs, but he seems to be at home with these other kids. The only other person who didn't appear to be human was the boy lying down behind Mike, his wings spread underneath him as he idly spit tiny fireballs into the air. He was just a young dragon-boy, so his spines were small and relatively harmless for now. All in all, not one of them looked threatening to anyone else but Butters. The blond brought out a small tape recorder and spoke into it. "12:32 p.m. Vampires meeting in the school gymnasium. Leader appears to be a… sixth grader, maybe seventh. Eighth?"

"You know that girl Bella in Twilight?" one of the vampires spoke, smirking a bit. "I'm like her. I'm a psi vampire. Like the sparkles I got?"

"Annie Bartlett is a psi vampire," Butters murmured into his device.

"Yeah, I'm more a sanguinarian vampire in that I rely more on the life force energy, per se," Mike said.

"Heh, yeah, I'm more of a hybrid. I'm both psi and sanguinarian," chimed in the other human male.

"That's Ryan Ellis. Looks like they got him too."

"Hey, lunchtime's almost over. Should we drink some more blood?" The vampires eagerly agreed with the white-haired girl.

"Then I think it's time for us to feed, per se." Mike brought out a bottle of clamato and poured it into the girl's goblet.

"Oh God, I think they're gonna drink blood now. They've got some kind of chalice, and they're-" Butters' recorder clocked, signaling the end of its tape. "Oh God." It began to replay from the beginning, loudly broadcasting one of Butters' pretend sessions in which he pretended to be a cowboy. He managed to shut it off and sighed in relief, then looked up and screamed, seeing the vampire kids right next to him.

"Uh, what are you doing?" Mike asked, looking confused.

"Stay back!" Butters took a few steps backwards and held up a golden cross. "For real! Stay back! The body of Christ compels you!" He dropped his tape recorded and promptly ran away screaming.

* * *

><p>"That kid was really scared of us," the white-haired vampire girl laughed, standing with the others as Mike put some books into his locker.<p>

"That's true, Bloodrayne. People are going to be frightened of us because they don't understand our ways, per se," Mike replied, closing his locker and turning to face the others.

"What the hell are those kids doing?" Pete angrily flipped his greasy hair out of his face, his scorpion tail twitching and his pupils narrowing into slits. It's hard not to piss off a manticore in the first place, but goth kids are equally easy to piss off. Therefore, Pete was the angriest out of all of them.

"Why are they dressing like that all of a sudden?" grumbled Henrietta, adjusting her sunglasses. Her snakes seemed equally angry, hissing from atop her head.

"Are they trying to be goth?" Pete growled, his clawed hands gripping his cigarette more tightly.

"No, they're vamp. They wear plastic fangs and drink freaking Clamato juice," Michael snorted with disdain, tapping his black umbrella on the ground. People took the eldest goth kid to be blind, since he was never seen without that umbrella and he'd never taken off his sunglasses. Neither had Henrietta, but everyone knew the consequences of looking a gorgon in the eyes, so no one asked questions there.

"They can't dress like that! That's our style!" Henrietta's snakes hissed loudly with her outburst.

"Hey, Tommy Petros said he wants to be a vamp kid too," the naga boy said, he and the other vamps unaware of the goths' presence.

"Tommy Petros? Is he cool?" Mike asked.

"Yeah, he's cool enough," Bloodrayne said. Mike nodded at her and turned, coming face to face with the goths.

"So, all of a sudden you Justin and Britney wannabes think it's cool to dress like us?" Pete hissed, growling lowly in his throat at the older kid.

"We dress the way our souls feel. To express the darkness, per se," Mike explained, frowning.

"Aren't you Mike Makowski?" Michael snorted, looking him over.

"It's Vampir Makowski now," Mike insisted, crossing his arms.

"You kids need to all go put your freakin' Banana Republic clothes back on, right now!" Henrietta's command was accented by hissing snakes writhing and snapping at Mike, who yelped and jumped back.

"Hey, we're just as dark as you guys!" protested the unnamed vamp girl, looking upset.

"Really? Do you guys even smoke?" Pete growled out, his tail twitching with the urge to sting someone.

"No, of course no, smoking's bad for you!" Mike said, looking appalled at the suggestion.

"Oh my God," Pete groaned, rolling his eyes.

"You know, you guys are really giving off a negative energy. We prefer to take our darkness somewhere else, per se," Mike huffed, a hand on his hip.

"Yeah. You do that, Count Fagula," Pete grimaced, scrunching up his nose at him. The vamp kids looked offended and quickly left the goths behind.

* * *

><p>"Mom! Mom, I gotta tell you somethin'!" Butters yelled, running into his house in a frenzy. "You're not gonna believe it!"<p>

"Not now, Butters. Your father wants to have a talk with you in the kitchen. He is not happy," Linda sighed, sewing a scarf.

"Ah geez, what did I do this time…?" Butters sighed and trudged into the kitchen, where his father was standing with an angry expression on his face and a glass of milk in his hands.

"You see this, Butters?! It's a glass of milk I poured for myself! And you see this?!" Stephen held up a box. "It's Hamburger Helper! Now would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper is doing in this glass of milk?! Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters?!"

"I have no idea, sir," Butters muttered, keeping his head down.

"I'll tell you why! Our pantry is always kept organized alphabetically! But somebody put the Hamburger Helper where the Nestle Quik is supposed to go!" Stephen yelled, gesturing to the open pantry.

"I'm sorry, Dad! It's just… I've been preoccupied with something lately. You see, there are these kids at school and they want-"

"What keeps a family together, Butters?!"

"… A well-organized pantry…"

"That's right!" Stephen set down his milk and began throwing food from the pantry onto the floor. "If you keep putting food under the wrong letter, it all goes wrong! Now you will reorganize this entire pantry, and you will do it right!"

"Well okay, but Dad, you've gotta listen to me. Kids at school are starting to change. They've been acting-"

"Do it right now or you're grounded! You got that?!" Stephen yelled, barely waiting for an answer before taking his cup of milk and storming out of the kitchen.

"Yes, sir…" Butters sighed and began painstakingly putting every item of food in its place. "Jeez. Nobody will even listen to me. It's like nobody even cares if there's vampires at the school. I try to help and all I ever do is get hollered at. I bet vampires never get hollered at. Vampires just get to do whatever they want." He paused and looked thoughtful, slowly smiling to himself.

* * *

><p>The next day at recess, the vamp kids were all gathered around Mike, who was reading from a book. "...All mortals share a soft repose, my soul doth dreadful vigils keep, more keen than which Hell scarcely knows."<p>

"Hey, what's that kid doing?" a female vamp asked, pointing at Butters, who slowly approached them with his hands outstretched. He took out the golden cross he used against them before and laid it on the ground.

"I-I'm Butters."

"So?" Mike responded, raising a pierced eyebrow.

"O creatures of the night, I seek audience to engage with thee in unholy darnation and thus do... a-and thus do unto your bidding!" Butters cried, rubbing his knuckles together.

"… Huh?" Mike looked at the other vamp kids, who just shrugged.

"Uh, I wanna be a vampire," Butters clarified, keeping his voice low.

"You're not cool enough to be one of us," sneered a deer centaur, young enough that he still had some spots on him.

"I-I know, but I think I could be a really good vampire if you'd give me the opportunity," the blond boy stammered.

"We'll think about it. Go get us some sodas out of the pop machine in the commons," Mike said with a dismissive wave.

"O-Okay! Anything else?"

"I 'd like some Cheetos," chimed in the naga boy.

"Got it! Soda and Cheetos! I'll be right back!" Butters nodded to himself and ran off.

* * *

><p>The goths sat and smoked as per usual, listening to one of Henrietta's CDs. A soccer rolled in front of them, catching their attention. "Where'd it go? Did you see where it went?" called a canine boy from the open space near them.<p>

"Yeah, it's near those vampire kids!" responded a panther boy, pointing them out. The dog boy came and picked up the ball, quickly retreating.

"What? Hey, hey! We're not vampire kids!" Pete hissed loudly, baring his sharp teeth. "We're freaking goths!"

"Whatever, Dracula, why don't you turn into a bat or something?" The boys laughed together and went back to playing soccer.

"So lame," muttered Michael, sitting in the shade. "So… Lame…"

"Guys, I do not want to be grouped in with the douchey little vampire kids," Henrietta complained, playing with the snakes on her head. Just then, two vampire kids exited the door next to them.

"See? Isn't it cool here? It's all dark and isolated," said the younger of the two, smiling at the other.

"Yeah, this would be a great place for a vampire meeting," nodded the vamp in shades.

"Hey, get out of here you little twerps!" Henrietta protested, her snakes hissing loudly enough to scare the uninvited guests away.

"More preppy, straight-A students turning into vampires," Pete frowned, flipping his hair out of his face. "What the hell is going on?"

* * *

><p>Butters took a deep breath and approached the vampire kids cautiously, looking nervous. "I-I brought what you guys asked. A case of Dr. Pepper and Cherry Twizzlers. Who are you gonna give this to? I-I mean, vampires can't eat people food," he said, setting the items on the ground.<p>

"You did good," Mike said, walking over to him. "Are you ready to become one of us, per se? Once you're in the South Park Vampire Society, you can't ever leave."

"I'm sick of being pushed around by m-my dad and other kids at school," Butters said, nodding resolutely.

"Then it's time for the transformation, per se. Let's begin!" Mike grinned, leading Butters and the other vamp kids to the mall, where they entered Hot Topic and began dressing Butters like them. After spray-painting his hair black, giving him plastic fangs, and dressing him in black, they pulled back to admire their work. "And now you shall drink vampire blood, and your transformation will be complete, per se!" Mike handed the newest vamp a goblet full of Clamato juice. "With this, thy transformation is complete!"

"Eugh, that tastes awful," Butters grimaced.

"Congratulations, Butters! You are now a member of the South Park Society of Vampires!" Mike proclaimed, a hand on Butters' shoulder. Butters grinned happily, his playful laugh turning into a menacing cackle.

* * *

><p>Butters entered his house, for once without fear or anxiety. He didn't flinch even as his father approached him, looking angry as usual. "There you are, Butters! Where have you been? Do you know what time it is?!" The boy walked past him without a glance, taking pleasure in this rebellion.<p>

"Butters, what have you done to your hair?" Linda gasped, looking horrified. Butters pointedly ignored her as well and began climbing the stairs.

"Butters! We're talking to you! Explain yourself, mister!" Butters paused and turned to face his dad.

"I no longer need to explain anything to you, father," he grinned, relishing in the feeling of the fake fangs pressing against his lip. It just felt… right.

"That does it! You're grounded for two weeks, mister!" Stephen yelled, Linda standing by him and looking like she's about to faint.

"You can't ground me! I am neither living nor dead! How can thy ground that which is… ungroundable?" Butters laughed to himself, taking pride in the confusion on his parents' faces.

"Okay, mister, I don't know what's gotten into you, but you're gonna-" Butters interrupted him with a loud hiss, making him and Linda jump. He narrowed his eyes and hissed again, a low growl escaping with it.

"I'm going to my room. For I must slumber, per se." He turned his back on his parents and continued into his room, leaving them perplexed and afraid.

* * *

><p>"Now, kids," Principal Victoria sighed, "I understand that you are very into this 'vampire' thing, but I don't want to see it get out of hand. You kids need to understand that your new little fad is scary to some."<p>

The goths stared at her in disbelief, Henrietta's snakes hissing quietly. "No fucking way," Pete sighed loudly. "You've got the wrong flipping people!"

"We… aren't… vampires," Michael said, speaking slowly for emphasis.

"Yes, I know, and I appreciate that you want to be cool and vampires are 'in' right now, but-"

"We are _not_ trying to be popular!" Pete growled loudly, his tail twitching.

"-But just make sure this trend doesn't become a distraction." The door opened behind the goths and Mr. Mackey led in Mike and a couple younger vamp kids.

"Here's a couple more, Principal Victoria, m'kay?"

"Oh no, are we in trouble?" Mike asked, looking distressed.

"I was just telling your friends what I was expecting of-"

"Oh no!" Michael protested, cutting her off. "We. Are. _Not._ Friends."

"Don't worry, ma'am!" Mike smiled cheerfully. "As I was just explaining to my new minions, we vampires are actually very deep and spiritual beings, per se!" The goth kids made disgusted noises and exited the room, immediately taking out their cigarettes and lighters.

"Allison Merch is a vamp kid now?" Michael grunted. "This thing just isn't going to stop."

"Let's just face it: they bogarted our style! Everyone's gonna think we're trying to be butthole vampires now. We might as well go to the freakin' Gap and just buy normal clothes," Pete grumbled.

* * *

><p>The goths sat in their usual spot, smoking and listening to their usual music. Instead of their dark clothes, however, they wore clothes similar to what the more popular kids wore. A soccer ball slowly rolled into a stop in front of them.<p>

"It went this way?" asked the dog boy from the day before, walking towards the goths.

"Yeah, it's over there by that fat Medusa chick, the big-nosed pale kid, the little girl with fish wings, and the kid with pock marks on his face and a weird scorpion tail," called a hellhound boy, quickly joined again by his canine friend after retrieving the ball.

"So we're back to that, are we?" Michael sighed hopelessly.

"Shit." Firkle sighed with him and stared at the ground, his blue, webbed wings folded tightly against his back. It absolutely wasn't his fault that male sirens looked almost as feminine as female sirens. He took another puff of his cigarette, having the urge to bite it in half with his sharp teeth.

"Let's get out of these freaking Gap clothes," Michael muttered, standing up.

* * *

><p>Butters stared down at his friend, watching his chest rise and fall with each breath as he slept. "Sorry, Eric, but I'm a vampire now," he said lowly, ", and I can no longer survive on human food. And if someone must die so that I can feed, I choose thee." He hopped down from the windowsill and leaned over Cartman, who was in a childish bunny onesie, with a hood and everything. Butters looked confused and turned his portly friend's head this way and that, trying to get a good angle. After a while, he just shrugged and leaned down, biting Cartman's neck and sucking loudly.<p>

"Huh…?" Cartman blinked his eyes open and stared at Butters with shock and confusion. "Butters? Butters!"

"I can't do it!" Butters cried, pulling away. "I can't do it!"

"Dude, gross, there's spit all over my neck! Were you trying to give me a hickey?! Mom!"

"I was just so hungry," Butters explained, his eyes wide and reflecting the full moon outside. "But remembering how that blood tasted before… It was just so gross, I…" He made a face and got sick on Cartman's floor, making the other squeal.

"DUDE!" Cartman's mom entered, looking concerned. Seeing her, Butters jumped up and hissed loudly before jumping out of the window.

"What's going on, sweetie?" Liane frowned, her feline tail curling and flicking.

"Well, mom, apparently Butters is gay, finds me very attractive, and, confused about his sexual identity, puked up all over my floor!"

"Oh dear."

"Myes."

* * *

><p>"I walked into the cafeteria today. Rebecca Miller and Philip Russ were dressed like vampires drinking Clamato juice with four kids from the football team," Michael said, sitting in Henrietta's room with the other goths.<p>

"Jesus," Firkle grimaced, his little wings stretched out behind him.

"It's like there's new vampire kids every day. Why is this happening? Why now?" Michael groaned, running a hand through his curls and finally removing his sunglasses in the safety of his friend's room.

"Doesn't matter why. Pretty soon, the whole school is going to be an endless hive of conformist happy-go-lucky vampire wannabes," Pete snorted, taking a drag of his cigarette to calm down.

"It seems like that preppy Mike Makowski kid started all this. Maybe he's the way to stopping it. What do you do when you want to change vampires back to normal? You get rid of the head vampire," Henrietta said slowly, petting her snakes carefully. The goths looked at each other and nodded.

* * *

><p>The goths sat quietly as Henrietta drove single-handedly, her other hand holding onto her cigarette holder. "Does your mom know you took her car?" Michael asked, looking at her.<p>

"Do I care?" she snorted, pulling over to the side of the road. The goths exited the car and opened the trunk of the car, where Mike was bound and gagged, protesting loudly and looking terrified.

"What do you want?!" Mike cried, muffled by the fabric in his mouth. "Please let me go!"

"What should we do with him?" Michael asked, looking at his friends.

"He's a vampire, right? I say we drive a stake through his heart," Pete suggested. Michael scrunched up his nose in disdain at what he hoped was a really bad joke.

"No!" Mike screamed through the gag, struggling harder. "I'm not really a vampire! I'm not a vampire!"

"Huh? What's that?" Michael asked, cupping a hand to his ear and leaning in closer to Mike.

"I'm not really a vampire!"

"You're not really a vampire?" Michael turned to look at Mike up close, his own eyes narrowed. With Michael's sunglasses off and the moonlight behind the goths, Mike could see that Michael's eyes were a glowing, vibrant red. "I'm so freaking shocked." With Michael's sneer, Mike caught a gleam of fangs. _Real_ fangs. Mike whimpered, suddenly realizing that he'd offended an _actual_ vampire. Michael pulled away to join his friends again, all of their eyes besides Henrietta's, which were still covered with sunglasses for obvious reasons, similarly glowing from the reflection of the moon.

"If we get the right packaging, we can just FedEx him somewhere far away," Pete suggested.

"How about Transylvania?" Michael snorted, narrowing his crimson eyes at the poser in the trunk of Henrietta's mom's car.

"No, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies," Pete sighed.

"If we're gonna send him somewhere, it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth," Henrietta said. The goths went silent for a few moments, then spoke in unison.

"Scottsdale."

* * *

><p>"Butters?" Linda called, pounding on her son's bedroom door. "We just got a call from Ms. Cartman! Butters?" She tried the door handle, only to find that it was locked. "Unbelievable! He locked his door!" Stephen grumbled and took her place, pounding on the door.<p>

"Butters, this is your father! Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey! Butters, you will open this door right now!" Butters was lying on his bed, quietly hyperventilating and staring at the ceiling with wide eyes.

"What have I done to myself? I should've known I didn't have the stomach to be a vampire. I'm so hungry…"

"Butters, you have until five to open this door! One! Two!" Stephen paused as the door was unlocked and slowly creaked open. Stephen and Linda enter Butters' room, noticing that he's not in bed and his window is wide open. "Uh, B-Butters?"

"Hey, Dad." Stephen yelped and turned around to see Butters crouched on top of his bookcase.

"Uh, Butters! Did you get gay with one of your schoolmates tonight?" Stephen asked, quickly recovering from his fright.

"I have to eat!" Butters hissed. "But I can't. I'm getting weak."

"Okay, listen here, Butters," Stephen said firmly, looking angry. "Now you listen, and you listen good! Until you stop behaving this way, you are NOT going to leave this room! Do you understand?!"

Butters snorted and hopped down from his bookshelf, straightening up. "I know now what I have to do." He ran towards his bedroom window and jumped, landing safely outside.

"Stephen, what's wrong with our boy?" Linda asked fearfully, staring at the open window. "You don't think…?"

"No. No, it must be something else. We've taken very special care to prevent _that_. It must be something else. He's become something we cannot ground, but he hasn't become… _that_."

* * *

><p>The goths sat inside the Village Inn, staring dejectedly into their coffee cups. "I just. Don't. Get it," Michael muttered, wearing his sunglasses now that he's in public again. "We sent the head vampire kid to Scottsdale, but still more and more kids are dressing up like vampires."<p>

"He must not have been what was causing it," Henrietta mused. "I must be something else."

"You kids gonna order anything or are you gonna sit here and drink coffee all night again?" the waitress asked, looking annoyed. "Bad enough I always get stuck with you goth kids, now I got goth kids in my entire section." She gestured to a couple of booths full of vampire kids. It seems most vamp kids are humans looking for excitement.

"They aren't goth!" Pete protested loudly. "They're douchey little vampire kids! I bet they aren't even drinking coffee!"

"No, they said they're too young to drink caffeine, so they're havin' orange juice." With that, the waitress left them alone. Pete groaned and banged his head on the table, resting there.

"Let's go over there and tell them they're not taking Village In from us too," Henrietta said, moving to stand up.

"Forget it! It's over, all right? There's too many of them now. We can't stop them without straight-up murdering them. Let's just face it. The freakin' vampires beat us," Pete sighed.

"Maybe not." Butters hissed quietly, crouching on a booth beside the goths. "Did you say you're trying to get rid of the vampires? I want to help you," he said lowly, crawling towards them. All of the goths gave him annoyed looks besides Firkle, who seemed interested. "Some legends say that if you destroy the vampires' lair, they go back to being human. I can take you to the place where kids are being transformed into vampires."

* * *

><p>Butters led the goths to Hot Topic, staring up at the sign with hatred and malice. "It used to be a Banana Republic, until two weeks ago."<p>

"Well… Let's get to work," Michael sighed, leading the goths into the store, where they grabbed aerosol cans and used those and their lighters as makeshift flamethrowers.

"What the hell are you doing?!" the clerk yelled, looking horrified.

"You should probably get out of here," Michael said calmly, torching some clothes as if he were washing the dishes. Outside, Bloodrayne and another vamp kid approach the Hot Topic and look horrified.

"What are they doing?!" cried the male vamp kid.

"They're putting an end to it," Butters grinned widely, watching the flames with an unhealthy amount of interest as the clerk ran out of the store screaming.

* * *

><p>"Mom! Dad!" Butters ran into his house, wearing his usual blue jacket and with his hair once again dyed blond. "I'm changed back! Goth kids burned down the Hot Topic, and sure enough, soon as they did I tried eatin' a hot dog and it tasted good. My vampire teeth even fell out when I bit into it. I'm human again!"<p>

"We have no idea what you're talking about, Butters, but we're glad you're home," Linda sighed, smiling brightly.

"That's right, son!" Stephen grinned. "There's only one thing I care about."

"What's that, dad?" Butters asked hopefully.

"Well, would you mind telling me why there's Rice-A-Roni in my coffee?!"

"Oh no."

"Butters, you are grounded!"

"Dang it." Butters sighed and trudged upstairs to his room.

* * *

><p>The goths stood at the podium in the school gym, having called an assembly. Pete walked up and cleared his throat. "Fellow students. Over the past week there's been a lot of confusion, and so we have asked for this assembly to clarify the difference between Goth kids and Vampire kids. Let us make it abundantly clear: if you hate life, truly hate the sun, and need to smoke and drink coffee, you are goth. If, however, you like dressing in black 'cause it's 'fun,' enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks and following the occult while avoiding things that are bad for your health, then you are most likely a douchebag vampire wannabe boner. Because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampire is freaking retarded." After a few seconds, the entire school applauded Pete's speech. Michael leaned in beside Pete and held up his middle finger before leaving with the other goths.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: Yes, for this chapter, it's a lot of copy-pasting from the script. To be clear: Michael is a vampire, Pete is a manticore, Henrietta is a gorgon, and Firkle is a male siren. More details about appearances and habits will be revealed with each chapter. This is just the introduction. I plan on writing a lot of original content for this AU, but expect updates to be inconsistent. College and work are taking up a lot of my time, it seems. Thanks for reading!


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